What does it mean to be trusted?
What builds it and what destroys it
“Trust” is one of those words that we use all day long without stopping to notice how differently we mean it each time.
I don’t trust them. That’s about character.
Can I trust that? That’s about accuracy.
It’s being held in trust. More of a legal thing.
Trust you to be like that. Not really a compliment.
My trusty sidekick.
We throw the word around as if it means one thing, and we never really examine what we’re actually asking for when we want someone to trust us.
So what does it actually mean to be trusted as a leader?
There’s a model I come back to time and again when I’m coaching leaders or leading team facilitation. It’s called the Trust Equation. It was first laid out by David Maister, Charles Green and Robert Galford in their book The Trusted Advisor. On the surface, it looks to simple for something as human as trust. But I think it works quite nicely.
The formula is this: Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy, divided by Self-Orientation = Trustworthiness.
Let me break it down…
Credibility is about your words. Do people believe what you say? Not just because you’re technically accurate, but because you’re honest about what you know and what you don’t.
Reliability is about your actions. Do you follow through? Not occasionally, but consistently, even when it would be easier not to.
Intimacy is the one that tends to surprise people. It’s not about being close friends with your colleagues. It’s about whether people feel safe with you, whether they can bring you the real problem, not just the presentable version of it.
Those three sit on top of the equation. The more of them you have, the more trustworthy you become.
But here’s the bit that matters most, and the bit that most people overlook entirely.
Self-orientation sits at the bottom. It’s the denominator. And in maths, the bigger the number at the bottom, the smaller the result. Which means that even if your credibility is strong, your reliability is solid, and people do feel safe with you, a high degree of self-orientation will destroy the whole thing you’re aiming for.
Self-orientation is the degree to which people perceive you to be in it for yourself. Whether you’re really listening, or waiting to talk. Whether they offer advice purely for your benefit or if there’s something in it for them.
And it’s important to note that I said perceive. Because this is where it gets uncomfortable. You might actually feel very interested in people. But if your mannerisms, language or unconscious actions indicate you are Priority No.1, then the perception is there and it cuts through all the other effort you’ve been going to to build trust.
I’ve watched leaders who are genuinely well-intentioned lose trust not because they lied or failed to deliver, but because people couldn’t quite work out whose interests they were serving. They might over-do a conversation about their compensation, over-use “I” when it comes to outputs delivered on a project or talk about themselves more than they ask questions about others. Once people notice this pattern it’s very difficult to shake it off.
This is why, when I work with leaders on trust, I always start with self-orientation. Yes, the other elements matter enormously but you can work on your credibility and your reliability and still wonder why. The answer is almost always due to the fact you’re leaking that you see yourself as the priority.
The question worth sitting with is this: when people spend time with you, what do they sense is motivating you? And if you really want to dig deep…do you think the answer you’d give the same as theirs?
So what can you do about this?
The Trust Equation gives you somewhere to look. But looking requires honesty, and that’s the part most people skip. It’s highly personal. It’s easier to assume you’re credible, reliable and present, and harder to sit with the possibility that the people around you experience something different.
The questions below aren’t a diagnostic tool or a score out of ten. They’re just prompts to get you to reflect.
A quick check-in
I’ve got two questions for each element. Be honest with yourself.
Credibility
Do you say what you actually think, or what you think people want to hear?
When you don’t know something, do you say so?
Reliability
Do you do what you say you’ll do?
Do you set expectations you can actually meet?
Intimacy
When someone talks to you, are you listening or waiting to speak?
Do people bring you the real problem, or the safe version of it?
Self-Orientation
In your last important conversation, whose interests were you most focused on?
If the people around you were asked what drives you, would their answer match yours?
The self-orientation questions are last for a reason. They’re the hardest to answer well, and they matter the most. If something snagged when you read them, that’s probably worth paying attention to.
These questions don’t have a right answer you can perform your way to. That’s rather the point. But they can be measured, and that’s where it gets interesting.
Some of the most valuable conversations I’ve had with leadership teams have started with an honest look at where trust is strong, where it’s fragile, and what’s driving the gap between how leaders see themselves and how the people around them experience them. Then focus on that gap.
I work with leaders and companies to assess and develop trust, at the individual, team and organisational level. It’s not about producing a score and filing it away. It’s about understanding what’s actually going on, and doing something useful with that.
If that’s a conversation worth having, you know where to find me.